dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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