Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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