i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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