Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
