I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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