she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
