I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize