I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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