You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
