I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
