in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
