I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
