I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
