i just sent this text using only my big toe
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
