So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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