I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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