Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
