i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
