fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
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