I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
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