The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
