I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
