I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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