I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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