Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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