You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I pour the whiskey from now on
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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