True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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