i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
cat food counts as protein by the way
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
