Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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