I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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