I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
