Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
