the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
