Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
