Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
