Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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