the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
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