i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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