Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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