I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
