dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
