the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
