It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
