So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
