i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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