I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
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