I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
