I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize