Do you still have your period?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
