farters have to be the big spoon...
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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