When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize