Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
