Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
