i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize