I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
