shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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