Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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