I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
