you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
