You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
