I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
