Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Randomize
