He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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