I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
