I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
