I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
