There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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